Impossible though it may seem one-twelfth of the year has already packed it up and called it quits. How can that be? Wasn’t it just last week that I was watching all those people on my television freeze their rears off as they watched a fantastically expensive crystal ball drop on 2009 so that we could all vicariously ring in this new year? Goes to show how much I’ve been paying attention.
This, of course, got me to thinking about what else might happen this year that I’ll never notice and won’t be able to ridicule or mock in a timely manner within the mere eleven-twelfths left in the year. Being a man of devious mind and lazy intentions my answer to all of this is to make it all up.
All of which brings me to this moment. Here, then, are the top ten stories of 2010 that might or might not happen between now and December 31, 2010:
01. Barrack Obama, despite any delusions to the contrary, will continue to be the President of the United States of America after both the Congress and the Senate vote to accept a considerable offer from Brazil to trade both heads of state as well as the starting lines on each respective country’s national soccer teams. It is the first and only time that the two chambers of government will act in unison during the remainder of his term in office, but their moment of glory is short-lived as the president fakes left and then shoots right with a veto that stops the trade in its tracks.
02. Right-wing radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, is rescued in a daring helicopter raid flown into the deepest jungles of Antarctica from the tribe of aboriginal penguins that had kidnapped him in the firm belief that he was the chosen “Huge, wavy-armed flightless bird” savior that would eventually lead them to the promised land of milk, honey and ever-flowing tuna. Once back on the air, Rush blames it all upon the fact that these penguins were Democrats and goes on to write a bestseller about his days among the Penguinazis.
03. Readers of the Daily Leader who were attempting to make their way through the very page this column is printed upon, give up all chance of understanding why this silly column was ever written in the first place and head out for a bit of a snack and maybe a good long nap. The writer of this column agrees with them and wonders if they had enough snacks for everyone?
04. Health care reform will ultimately pass and millions upon millions of people will now be able to receive the medical attention they so desperately needed. Unfortunately, as the cost of the reform spiraled out of control and the country was forced to auction off each and every doctor to the highest bidder (Guam, for instance, scored two orthodontists and a podiatrist for three dollars and seventy-four cents) – the only people left to perform surgeries and comfort the sick were the homeless. HMOs, in turn, decided that aluminum cans were, in fact, a valid form of payment.
05. Avatar wins every single Academy Award. Period. Even the ones it was not up for. Best Movie? Avatar. Best female actress? Avatar. Best song? Avatar? Freemyer’s Best Brands? Avatar. As a result, Joe Pesci has himself permanently tattooed to look like one of the Na’vi in hopes of being featured in the sequel, Avatar II, where cousin Vinny represents the Na’vi in court.
06. New Orleans’ musician, Dr. John, is found to authentically be the funkiest man in existence. Minneapolis residents riot when they find out that their hometown favorite Prince was not even a close second, but was instead third after a posthumous nod to Bea Arthur.
07. The latest in the fad of super groups forming out of the remains of great rock bands continues when Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney, Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry team up to form ‘The Whotles’ No? Not funny enough? How about ‘The BeWhos?” Still not good enough? This just in! The super group falls apart before it was ever together over indecision as to what they were going to name themselves. The three fans genuinely interested in the project were dejected when Ringo’s suggestion of “Sergeant Tommy’s Rubber Soul Band Who’s Next” was dismissed without ever truly being genuinely considered.
08. Banana pudding is voted as the awesomest desert ever. Iowa agrees so wholeheartedly with this outcome that it unanimously decrees Banana Pudding to be their new state bird and strong consideration is given to impeaching their current governor and replacing him with a box of vanilla wafers. Yes. It’s that good.
09. Is there anyone still reading this? Ok, then. In the year 2010, people will still be reading this column in spite of all evidence that they could be doing something much cooler with their free time. Such as, if you will simply reference number eight on this list, enjoying a lovely dish of Iowa’s state bird.
10. Hell will freeze over as yours truly will go an entire month without caving in to his baser instincts of writing the equivalent of a pratfall column in the spirit of the Three Stooges, and instead only write about serious and topical, erm, topics. Extremely cold little imps will take wing on newly airborne pigs and cause some serious confusion around duck hunting season.
Seriously, what’s the limit on frozen imps and flying pigs, anyways?
