Column: 02:05:2010

Written by Michael J. on February 7th, 2010

Impossible though it may seem one-twelfth of the year has already packed it up and called it quits. How can that be? Wasn’t it just last week that I was watching all those people on my television freeze their rears off as they watched a fantastically expensive crystal ball drop on 2009 so that we could all vicariously ring in this new year? Goes to show how much I’ve been paying attention.

This, of course, got me to thinking about what else might happen this year that I’ll never notice and won’t be able to ridicule or mock in a timely manner within the mere eleven-twelfths left in the year. Being a man of devious mind and lazy intentions my answer to all of this is to make it all up.

All of which brings me to this moment. Here, then, are the top ten stories of 2010 that might or might not happen between now and December 31, 2010:

01. Barrack Obama, despite any delusions to the contrary, will continue to be the President of the United States of America after both the Congress and the Senate vote to accept a considerable offer from Brazil to trade both heads of state as well as the starting lines on each respective country’s national soccer teams. It is the first and only time that the two chambers of government will act in unison during the remainder of his term in office, but their moment of glory is short-lived as the president fakes left and then shoots right with a veto that stops the trade in its tracks.

02. Right-wing radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, is rescued in a daring helicopter raid flown into the deepest jungles of Antarctica from the tribe of aboriginal penguins that had kidnapped him in the firm belief that he was the chosen “Huge, wavy-armed flightless bird” savior that would eventually lead them to the promised land of milk, honey and ever-flowing tuna. Once back on the air, Rush blames it all upon the fact that these penguins were Democrats and goes on to write a bestseller about his days among the Penguinazis.

03. Readers of the Daily Leader who were attempting to make their way through the very page this column is printed upon, give up all chance of understanding why this silly column was ever written in the first place and head out for a bit of a snack and maybe a good long nap. The writer of this column agrees with them and wonders if they had enough snacks for everyone?

04. Health care reform will ultimately pass and millions upon millions of people will now be able to receive the medical attention they so desperately needed.  Unfortunately, as the cost of the reform spiraled out of control and the country was forced to auction off each and every doctor to the highest bidder (Guam, for instance, scored two orthodontists and a podiatrist for three dollars and seventy-four cents) – the only people left to perform surgeries and comfort the sick were the homeless. HMOs, in turn, decided that aluminum cans were, in fact, a valid form of payment.

05. Avatar wins every single Academy Award. Period. Even the ones it was not up for. Best Movie? Avatar. Best female actress? Avatar. Best song? Avatar? Freemyer’s Best Brands? Avatar. As a result, Joe Pesci has himself permanently tattooed to look like one of the Na’vi in hopes of being featured in the sequel, Avatar II, where cousin Vinny represents the Na’vi in court.

06. New Orleans’ musician, Dr. John, is found to authentically be the funkiest man in existence. Minneapolis residents riot when they find out that their hometown favorite Prince was not even a close second, but was instead third after a posthumous nod to Bea Arthur.

07. The latest in the fad of super groups forming out of the remains of great rock bands continues when Ringo Starr, Paul McCartney, Pete Townshend and Roger Daltry team up to form ‘The Whotles’ No? Not funny enough? How about ‘The BeWhos?” Still not good enough? This just in! The super group falls apart before it was ever together over indecision as to what they were going to name themselves. The three fans genuinely interested in the project were dejected when Ringo’s suggestion of “Sergeant Tommy’s Rubber Soul Band Who’s Next” was dismissed without ever truly being genuinely considered.

08. Banana pudding is voted as the awesomest desert ever. Iowa agrees so wholeheartedly with this outcome that it unanimously decrees Banana Pudding to be their new state bird and strong consideration is given to impeaching their current governor and replacing him with a box of vanilla wafers. Yes. It’s that good.

09. Is there anyone still reading this? Ok, then. In the year 2010, people will still be reading this column in spite of all evidence that they could be doing something much cooler with their free time. Such as, if you will simply reference number eight on this list, enjoying a lovely dish of Iowa’s state bird.

10. Hell will freeze over as yours truly will go an entire month without caving in to his baser instincts of writing the equivalent of a pratfall column in the spirit of the Three Stooges, and instead only write about serious and topical, erm, topics. Extremely cold little imps will take wing on newly airborne pigs and cause some serious confusion around duck hunting season.

Seriously, what’s the limit on frozen imps and flying pigs, anyways?

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Welcome to my part of the big read!

Written by Michael J. on January 26th, 2010

Phillips Community College of the University of Arkansas (PCCUA) is participating in this year’s National Endowment of the Art’s ‘The Big Read’ initiative which is designed to ‘revitalize the role of literature in American popular culture and bring the transformative power of literature into the lives of its citizens.’ Simply put, it’s a way to celebrate literature by extending hands (and books) out into communities all throughout the nation and encourage reading for pleasure and enlightenment.

Each community is encouraged to put their own spin on the initiative and come up with ways to get whatever books might be chosen into the hands of their fellow community members and ask them to join us in reading… and then ultimately talking and exchanging ideas on what was thought about the author and their book.

In the case of PCCUA, the book chosen was Carson McCuller’s ‘The Heart is a Lonely Hunter.’ – and the way I’ve chosen to participate in the program was to read the book and write about it as I found my way from page to page and cover to cover.

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Avatar’dy

Written by Michael J. on January 18th, 2010

Finally went see Avatar (yes, everyone had seen it but one person and I was that one person!) and I’m underwhelmed, really. Don’t get me wrong it IS a visually stunning film and WETA should be commended for the work they did. Never before have I invested that much time into a film that was THAT much of a digital fabrication… only to never notice any distractions at all because of it.

The sad part of that statement is that WETA’s work allowed me to focus on the story… which was the underwhelming part. Granted, if you’re going to devote so much to the visual then all you can afford to have is a loose plot with not all that much intricacies in it… If a visual part of the plot can’t be achieved, after all, it’s going to have to be changed into something that IS achievable.

Such is the nature of the beast, I’d think.

In the end I suppose I can say that it was not only watchable but mildly enjoyable. I spent so much time enjoying the visuals that I didn’t really have much time to gripe about the rest of it. So… good movie and I’m glad I went. Dances with big blue cats was worth my price of admission.

Don’t know that it will be worth owning for the small screen, though. Unless I get a spiffy pair of 3d home glasses that are more substantial than cardboard and colored cellophane… it just ain’t gonna fly I’m afraid.

We’ll see…

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Midnight rambling

Written by Michael J. on January 17th, 2010

Watched the New Orleans Saints clean house on the poor Arizona Cardinals. It’s such a surreal thing to be a son of Louisiana and watch the team be so successful now that you live in another state altogether. I’m still excited for them and for the state, though.

That, by the way, was the strenuous high point of my day.

Monday through Friday was so insane and insanely busy that there was something almost akin to a ‘forbidden’ joy in having a day completely off. Usually I ruin my days off by thinking of things I should be doing work-wise, and then going ahead and going in to work just to get it taken care of so I can stop worrying about it.

Case in point, this is probably something I’m going to be doing tomorrow (well, today as it’s after midnight, I suppose).

Somewhere around two or three I’ll probably roll in for a few hours of work… but I’m tired of having to do that. I love my job and I love that I’ve been there long enough to be management (albeit lower level management that can barely see above basement level) but I’m tired of my work taking over and becoming my life.

I want a life apart from work, dammit.

Ah well. I’m just tired and sitting here surfing the web and making a general nuisance of myself online… so maybe I should just give up and quit typing for now. Until later…

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Column: 01:14:2010

Written by Michael J. on January 16th, 2010

Somewhere, a phone was ringing. The first thought that ran through my head was that someone needed to answer the phone, as it was amazingly annoying. Not in the typical way we think that phone calls are annoying nowadays though, it did not have a cringe-worthy ring-tone or anything of that nature. Instead, it was annoying by simply ringing on and on and on and on.

For the life of me I couldn’t figure out where the phone was located, though. Picking up my own phone and staring at it as if it were possessed and possibly ringing out a distress signal as it tried valiantly to escape some poltergeist. It wasn’t my personal phone, of course. That would have been logical.

 

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Lazy day.

Written by Michael J. on January 2nd, 2010

Today was exactly what we needed it to be. Chilly and fairly dreary outside we stayed home and had a wonderful day of doing nothing much at all. Other than a quick run to the store for some odds and ends (for goodness sakes, we purchased a small playpen for my sister’s two pet rats) the most stressful part of our day was a game of Monopoly in the evening.

Which I won, I must add!

On a whim I purchased the ‘debit’ card version of the game and while I miss the feel of fake paper money in my greedy greedy hands, it saved time and sped the game up a great deal. We’ll have to play again just to check it out.

I’d rather play that than Yahtzee… which I’d never played until yesterday… and which I LOST BOTH GAMES THAT WE PLAYED. Stoopid Yahtzee!

Where was I? Oh yes… I was saying that it was a wonderful and wonderfully lazy day. Which, it was. If I could I’d like to order up two more for the weekend before I have to crawl my way back to work on Monday, please.

Thanks!

 

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Six Years…

Written by Michael J. on January 1st, 2010

For six years I have been married to my wife.

She is my best friend. She is the other half of my soul (the good half, at that). And she is the best evidence I have found in this world that god may truly exist…

Every day I offer thanks for simply ever meeting her. Every breath I take while married to her is nothing less than a prayer of gratitude for that chilly new year’s day in 2004 when her lips parted and she said the most wonderful words I’ve ever heard; I do.

You bet your ass I said them right back to her.

Love you, Rosa.

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Column: 12:31:2009

Written by Michael J. on December 30th, 2009

There is something luxuriously lazy and wonderful about this time of year.

All of the excitement and promise that cackled and sparked its way through the other three hundred and sixty four days or so (depending on when these words are read) have jumped ship and are now readying themselves for the coming of the new year, leaving a somber quiet of satisfied reflection in their wake.

Yes, we are all happy and excited to see the coming of a new year. Yes, we are all convinced that the promises it whispers to us of better days and times ahead are true and bound to happen. Yes, in short, we believe in the promise of this newborn babe we’ve named 2010. This doesn’t mean that we should shun and forget its older brother as it gathers itself for its journey into oblivion.

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